Syr Cuthbert

Grease-Wielder

Description:
Bio:

Syr was born at some point between 40 and 50 years ago. He didn’t really know his parents, not because they died or anything like that, they just spent most of their time drunk. Syr was actually raised by Priest Seinfeld, the head of the local church in a town. It’s unclear exactly who Priest Seinfeld worshipped, since he was known to say things like ‘What’s the deal with orcs? Are any of them female?’ etc. Not a great church.

Syr ran away from the church in his teenage years to join the army of his home country, which he does not like to identify to other people for personal reasons. He was very idealistic. Religion seemed a pointless endeavor to Syr, and he thought he could change to world by joining the army. They’d fight evil, and rescue townfolk, and eat regularly – he thought it’d be the greatest thing ever. However, when he actually became a soldier and went off to one of the numerous wars his country waged, his idealism died. He spent most of his time either sleeping or executing prisoners. And when he wasn’t doing that, they were going through villages and killing everyone to send a ‘message’ to their enemy. He also soon noticed his commanding officers were incompetent, and seemed to be in charge because of their large donations to the war fund. Syr lived this way for some 30 years. Nothing interesting happened.

The turning point in Syr’s life came when he and his soldiers were ordered to eliminate a certain wizard named Vierdaan, some sort of elf. The wizard had been sending out feral halfings to attack the army. The feral halflings would often cut off the faces of the men they killed and wear them as masks, which unnerved Syr’s superiors.

The army noticed on their way to the wizard’s tower that all the towns and villages were empty of people. They did not investigate and continued on to the tower. The wizard’s tower was extremely tall, probably a few hundred feet high, and the front door was open. Syr’s commanders sent in a squad of soldiers, and about fifteen minutes later their body parts came flying from some high window. So the officers sent in more men. And more body parts came flying through the window soon after, this time with someone laughing. More soldiers were ordered in.

By this time, Syr was starting to get a bit crazy. He’d gotten used to killing unarmed villagers and didn’t like all his buddies getting pointlessly killed by some magic elf. When Syr was ordered to enter the tower, he refused. The officers ordered him to go in, or be branded a traitor. Syr refused again, as did most of the other soldiers. The officers then got down off their horses to attack Syr, but were set upon by all the remaining soldiers and killed. They all starting cheering and declared Syr their new leader. Syr refused, saying all his friends had died and he was leaving the army. The remaining troops, disloyal to the incompetent officers but fiercely loyal to their country, were shocked at this and made to attack Syr. At this point, Syr was incredibly tired of army life and felt he could do nothing else but attack his fellow soldiers. Syr managed to kill them all somehow, perhaps grease was involved.

The next day, a hermit mage wandered out of the hills laughing and pointing at Syr. Syr was annoyed, and asked who he was. The mage’s name was Ossiumapoppum , a human, and said that he and the elf Vierdaan were old enemies and he wanted Vierdaan dead. Ossiumapoppum then said that in fact they weren’t old enemies, but he still wanted Vierdaan dead. Ossiumapoppum needed a bodyguard to protect him from the feral halfings while he battled the elf. Syr agreed.

In the end, he was only a bodyguard for about a day and a quarter. Syr walked up to the walls of the tower and noticed how oddly shaped all the stones were. He told the hermit mage, who then realized that you could see arms, legs, faces in the rock. Syr remembered the empty towns he passed to reach the tower, and surmised that the eladrin magic elf had turned the townfolk to stone, and then chiseled the frozen bodies into blocks for his tower. Ossiumapoppum laughed and cast ‘stone to flesh’. The tower turned into a huge pillar of flesh with a piercing scream, and then collapsed. It was an incredibly bloody sight. Nothing that had been inside the tower could be identified in the massive pile of viscera and blood and bones.

Syr and the hermit congratulated each other. Ossiumapoppum then asked for payment. Syr had no idea what he was talking about. The hermit had thought he was acting in service to Syr’s country and would be paid, and had assumed Syr to be an officer of some sort – they hadn’t really known each other long enough to correct each other. Syr said that no, he had no money to give him. This angered Ossiumapoppum, who swore that he’d get his 150 gold from Syr or he’d kill Syr – which Syr fully believed, he could tell the hermit was incredibly powerful, at least compared to Syr at the time. Syr managed to trap the wizard under a small mountain of chopped meat, and rode off on a horse. After about a week of traveling as fast as he could, he ended up in the starting city we all started out in at the beginning of Jason’s game. He was told that his debt to the wizard would be paid if he helped someone find a certain book…

Syr Cuthbert

Xvart Academy bitterharvester